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A few weeks ago, I went on what I had planned as a silent retreat. Things didn't go quite as I had hoped. At the same time, I did succeed in doing what I intended to do -- reconnecting with God. I guess it just goes to show that even when things don't go as planned, it doesn't mean that good can't come out of it.
When I first got there, I I got a nice chunk of silence because the couple that run the retreat center had to leave for the afternoon/evening shortly after I got there, leaving me there on my own with the dog (who doesn't talk much). I spent time wandering around, sitting, listening....being. It took a while to get settled in, but after I did -- when my body and brain stopped wanting to get up and do something -- I was able to finally just sit and enjoy the silence. My goal for the time I was there was to reconnect with God. I feel like I started to make some progress on that by simply allowing myself to stop and listen. For so much of the past few months, whenever I try to sit down for some quiet time with God, 30 seconds after I sit down, I suddenly think of something that I need to get done, or just have trouble staying still in one place. For that afternoon I didn't have anything that I needed to do or anywhere I needed to be -- and I wasn't at home, so my mind couldn't come up with things that I could pretend I needed to do -- all I had to do was be in the presence of God. I had time and space to be in the presence of God, to spend time with the Word...re-exploring Lectio Divina...resting in God.
The next day, I didn't have the luxury of as many hours of uninterrupted quiet, because there was more going on around me. I did some planned work out with John, cutting trees around the new site for the new cabin. Afterwards, I was feeling a little bit under the weather, and things were a little busier and less quiet than they had been the night before. While I did get some chunks of silence, it was only in smaller blocks than I had hoped for. In that time, I discovered two things 1) that I was letting my expectations of what the retreat should be like get in the way of my relaxation and enjoyment of the retreat, but that 2) I was able to stand in the presence of God anyway, even when I wasn't feeling well, and when I was frustrated.
Although I ended up deciding to end the retreat early, I still got what I came for, even if I didn't get it quite the way that I had planned. I did rediscover that connection with God. Moreover, I also reminded myself that I could find that connection even in less than optimal conditions -- something that I wouldn't have found if the retreat had gone exactly as planned (as a silent retreat.) While I would like to try again for a true multi-day silent retreat, I know looking back that this was what I needed at this time and thank God for it.
When I first got there, I I got a nice chunk of silence because the couple that run the retreat center had to leave for the afternoon/evening shortly after I got there, leaving me there on my own with the dog (who doesn't talk much). I spent time wandering around, sitting, listening....being. It took a while to get settled in, but after I did -- when my body and brain stopped wanting to get up and do something -- I was able to finally just sit and enjoy the silence. My goal for the time I was there was to reconnect with God. I feel like I started to make some progress on that by simply allowing myself to stop and listen. For so much of the past few months, whenever I try to sit down for some quiet time with God, 30 seconds after I sit down, I suddenly think of something that I need to get done, or just have trouble staying still in one place. For that afternoon I didn't have anything that I needed to do or anywhere I needed to be -- and I wasn't at home, so my mind couldn't come up with things that I could pretend I needed to do -- all I had to do was be in the presence of God. I had time and space to be in the presence of God, to spend time with the Word...re-exploring Lectio Divina...resting in God.
The next day, I didn't have the luxury of as many hours of uninterrupted quiet, because there was more going on around me. I did some planned work out with John, cutting trees around the new site for the new cabin. Afterwards, I was feeling a little bit under the weather, and things were a little busier and less quiet than they had been the night before. While I did get some chunks of silence, it was only in smaller blocks than I had hoped for. In that time, I discovered two things 1) that I was letting my expectations of what the retreat should be like get in the way of my relaxation and enjoyment of the retreat, but that 2) I was able to stand in the presence of God anyway, even when I wasn't feeling well, and when I was frustrated.
Although I ended up deciding to end the retreat early, I still got what I came for, even if I didn't get it quite the way that I had planned. I did rediscover that connection with God. Moreover, I also reminded myself that I could find that connection even in less than optimal conditions -- something that I wouldn't have found if the retreat had gone exactly as planned (as a silent retreat.) While I would like to try again for a true multi-day silent retreat, I know looking back that this was what I needed at this time and thank God for it.
